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So, I just saw The Amazing Spider-Man 2,and like its title, it really was amazing... ..ly shitty. So shitty, in fact, that it was hilarious,and I can't wait to see it again. I never once thought that it would be possible for a film tobe farted into existence, but today, I was proven wrong. Now, I didn't think The Amazing Spider-Man1 was as bad as everybody was saying it was: the majority of it didn't seem like it was trying to betaken too seriously, and it had a good sense of humor. 

And as someone who's a fan of the Spider-Mancharacter, I thought it was right about fucking time that they started using perspective shotsto show him swinging around the city. Not only that, but I was more than okay with Andrew Garfieldbeing Peter Parker, and I thought he fit the character very well. Sure, yeah, there was stupid shitlike 'Property of Peter Parker', but it generally seemed as though there was adecent amount of effort being put into the film.

 After letting the first movie sit for a while, I'd probably give it asix out of ten, but I definitely enjoyed myself while watching it. I mean, come on, as soon as I figured out that he'dbe wrestling around with a muscly lizard dude, I thought, "I could get behind that. Literally!" The Spider-Man films have had quite thevariation of quality over the years, but I can't think of a single one thatI didn't at least enjoy watching. 

And boy, is that ever reaffirmed with this movie, because it was sofucking bad, that it turned into an unintentional parody of itself. Like, someone could release this exact same movie, and callit a Spider-Man spoof, and it would actually fucking work. Now, for movies I enjoy, I generally tryto keep my reviews to be spoiler-free, but not only is a pretty much impossible to explain what'swrong with this movie without just explaining the whole plot, but I pretty much guarantee you that your moviewatching experience will be much better if you're thinking about these things during it. Because, boy,does this ever make one fucking hilarious unintentional comedy. 

At the beginning at the film, you see two dudes duking it outin a plane, and somebody shoots a window, and it's like, "Oh, no. The air pressure. I'm getting sucked out." So the one guy fucking grabs onto the other, but the expellingforce is so strong that he gets sucked out, anyway, with the remaining man now holding hislaptop with one hand and typing on it. Yeah, don't worry, the laptop'snot gonna fly out on the plane. It's important to the plot. This needs tohappen. You need to upload your thing. Plus, if he lost his laptop, the audiencewouldn't be able to see that it's a Sony Vaio. 

This is just the beginning of the film that is essentiallyone giant advertisement for Sony products. We see at least three different laptopsin the film and they're all Sony Vaios. We see at least three different phones in thefilm and they're all Sony Ericsson Xperias. Every time you see a Sony product inthe film, it's like a fucking punchline. So, Paul Giamatti hijacks a truck filled withplutonium, and so Spider-Man saves the day. 

and at the end of that, we get introducedto Max, played by Jamie Foxx. Each scene, and especially the story scenes, make itextremely apparent that nobody really wants to be there. Yep. This is the obligatory sequel. Nobody really wantsto do it, but we're gonna do it. Let's get some money! So, then we get a cheesy montage of Spider-Mansaving the day in various scenarios. Nothing wrong with a little bit of cheese, especially in a Spider-Man film, but one of those scenarios was really, really stupid. Like, he goes into a convenience store as Peter Parker, pickingup some cold medication, then sees a crime happening, and then, changes into his Spider-Man costume, andsaves the day, and buys the same cold medication. 

Nobody's gonna fucking touch on thefact, that he's clearly on security cameras, assuming that that place, which is a gas station, hassecurity cameras, which they're kinda fucking supposed to. All you needed to do to fix that, was show five extraseconds of Spider-Man stealing or destroying that footage, but they really wanted to show Spider-Manstumble out of the building being, like, "Oh, no. I'm so sick." and this is so funny, because you're supposedto laugh, because he's sick. 

Aww, don't you bad for him? At several points throughout the film, he cheesily hallucinatesseeing Gwen Stacy's father; and it's funny every single time. So then, we get to Max's apartment, and wesee that he's very obsessed with Spider-Man. He's clearly deranged, and wants to be his best friend. And when I saw the trailer, andhow stupid Electro's design looks, I thought that Jamie Foxx's character would be the worst part inthis movie for me, and although I can't really say he did a great job, Jamie Foxx came across to me as the only fuckingperson in the entire movie that even gave a shit. When he's acting in the film, youcan tell that he's at least trying, but watching literally any other character in the film gives me theimpression that they all knew it was going to be a giant piece of shit. The entire time I watched this movie, I felt like I waswatching a crew full of people that just wanted to go home. 

So Max gets told to stay at work later, cuz there'ssomething with the power grid that he needs to fix, and, oh no, he has a workplace accidentthat set things up for his superpowers later. He gets electrocuted by a cable, and then fallsinto an inexplicably placed tub of electric eels. I dunno. It's there for science, or something. And as he's getting electrocuted inside the container of eels, it showsa close-up shot of the gap in his front teeth closing and fixing itself, and that was fucking hilarious. Like, OK,you wanna do the whole clichéd, like, "Oh, it's fixing his wounds" sorta thing, eventhough it looks like he is dying. Uhh! But why the fuck want to close the gap betweenhis teeth, and what's the point of that? Meanwhile, Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy have acompletely fucking unbearable romance sub-plot. [clip] She's gotten some information that she gets to be accepted toan Oxford scholars program, so she's thinking about leaving. 

I have to go to England, Peter. It's important to me. It's very complicated for Gwen and for him.You cannot always happens what you want. - I'm moving to England- Wha? I'm up for a scholarship to Oxford. [YMS] "I hate you, but now I love you again,but now I hate you, but now I love you. Now I hate you. But I have to go toEngland. But I hate you, but I love you." I kid you not, there was a scene where Gwen Stacysaid, "I break up with you, Peter. I break up with you." Not like, "I'm breaking up with you." or somethingthat a normal human being would say, and instead leaving, or going home, or something, shejust walks into a Chinese restaurant, and sits down. Like, I don't know she was expectinghim to come inside, or leave, or what. [clip] We were just...going different way... I don't... Gotta go. God, their horribly written romantic dialoguemade me feel like I was watching Birdemic again. "Ha ha! You're laugh isn't annoying yet,you should have a more annoying laugh." "Like this? Hee hee hee! I'm gonna make an uglyface and have an intentionally annoying laugh" And this is how people communicate with each other.

 The stupid fucking obligatory love interest character bullshittakes up so much of the movie, that after a certain point, every time I see her on-screen, Ijust wanna punch her in her face. But only assuming she has a sex change operationin the time it takes for my fist to connect. Because making jokes that includeviolence against women is wrong. So, we see Max's body on a gurney, in a crematorium, not actually in the fire, yet, just in the middle of the open,just, I d... As though somebody left the room, or something? For whatever reason, he's got a thick crust covering his skin,cuz that's what happens when you get electrocuted? He breaks through the crust andleaves the building, wearing a hoodie.

 I guess if he started walking around naked,he'd look too much like Doctor Manhattan. So, he slowly walks down the street, being compelled by, wha,I dunno, unintentionally setting off car alarms as he's walking. Just because electricity... So he gets to Times Square, and for whatever reason, all the people that are clearly using cell phonesin front of him don't have that affected as well. Like, what exactly could he be emitting that setting offcar alarms, but not affecting people's phones at all? Maybe they'd written it into the script, andSony was like, "Nah, our phones are the best." So, he pulls up a grate, and decides to stick hishand into some electricity, like fucking Crank 2. It's implied that this is what guided himhere, but it doesn't really explain why. Like, was he running low on juice? Is he like a battery? [clip] When Electro wakes, he's thirsty for power, andcourse, he wants to go to the most electric part of the city, so that takes him to Times Square. [YMS] The most electrical part of the city is Times Square? Not that massive fucking power plant with all those electrical transformers near the end of the film? I think we really means to say is that, "He went to TimesSquare, because this is where we can sell the most ad space.

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